[opening theme music]
Will somebody please cue that bird?
♪ Samurai pizza cats Oooh yeah!♪
♪ Who do you call when you want Some pepperoni?♪
♪ Samurai Pizza cats♪
♪ They're stepping out crime♪
♪ And you know That ain't baloney♪
♪ There's Speedy Cerviche, He's the leader of the bunch♪
♪ A heck of a fighter Makes a heck of a lunch♪
♪ And little Polly Esther Who's never afraid♪
♪ Of going into battle When the bad guys invade♪
♪ Here's Guido Anchovis, A wild romantic rover♪
♪ This cat gets down, down With a love hangover♪
♪ Here come the Pizza Cats They're so bad♪
♪ They've got more fur than any Turtle ever had!♪
♪ They're stronger Than old cheese♪
♪ Stronger than old cheese♪
♪ Stronger than dirt♪
Stronger than dirt.
♪ Step on their tails♪
Get off of my tail!
♪ And you're gonna get hurt♪
Don't hurt me!
♪ Samurai Pizza Cats♪
♪ They're fighting crime All over town!♪
♪ Three, two, one, Pizza Cats are on the run!♪
♪ The Big Cheese is the villain, Who's lower than low♪
♪ It's a rotten shame He lives in Little Tokyo♪
♪ We've got a nasty Bad Bird And some nasty Ninja Crowes♪
♪ As soon as someone Finds the script♪
♪ We might begin the show♪
♪ Sit right back, Pick up your feet♪
♪ And turn the sound up high♪
♪ And if you want the full effect go eat a pizza pie!♪
♪ Samurai Pizza Cats♪
Val.
Veronique, my love. I've come back.
Oh, Val, I knew you'd come back to me.
And I'll never leave you again.
-Never? -Well, occasionally
there's a trip, but I'll be back, of course.
Darling.
I haven't been this touched since the wicked witch melted.
-Veronique! -Val!
-Valnique. -Val.
Beautiful!
Listen, everybody. I've got a terrific idea.
I'm going to produce a movie of my very own.
-You can't be serious. -A royal princess
making movies? It's undignified.
Undignified? What about Grace Kelly?
What about Prince and Purple Rain?
Would you think it's undignified of me if I banished you
to prisoner island?
Well, since you put it that way...
Fred.
[narrator] And so the sweet tempered and the much loved
little princess gets her way as usual.
And a massive movie set goes up in the center of Little Tokyo.
I finished the script. It's about the life and loves
of a beautiful young red young princess,
whom everybody just adores.
Have we got a movie.
[chatter]
Of course, I'll play the princess.
Now, you, Big Al...
You play an important figure in the princess's young life.
Oh.
Her close personal friend, Buddha.
Buddha?
You've got the right build for it.
Now, Daddy, your part doesn't have any dialogue,
but it's very important,
the princess's favorite footstool.
Think you can handle it?
-Fred! -[councilmen] Oh.
You better hurry if you want to be in the princess's movie.
You're already late for the auditions.
Don't worry. Who could resist a pretty face such as this?
[gasps]
Which outfit do you think I should wear?
How about this? A lady in waiting.
A geisha, schoolgirl, or something sexy?
I don't think sexy is what they're looking for.
Of course, why didn't I think of that?
I'll go dressed as a guy.
What a brilliant idea. Oh, Jerry,
what would do without you?
Ready for my closeup, Mr. Demil.
Everybody's gone. I'm too late.
But I--I didn't even get a chance to do my big
dance number.
[cries]
I've cast all the important parts except for the male lead.
The tall, mysterious stranger.
Who am I going to find to play that?
Wait a second, I know. I'll just post notices all over the city.
Surely among my royal subjects,
there's one man capable of playing that.
[Speedy] Tall, mysterious stranger.
Audition's tomorrow.
Oh, Speedy. Wouldn't be exciting to be in a movie?
This mysterious stranger, I suppose he's the guy
who comes and sweeps the princess off her feet, huh?
-You'd be perfect. -Hah.
He couldn't sweep a bug of its feet with a broom, Lucille.
See, just save your breath, Speedy,
'cause I was born to play that role.
-You were? -[laughs]
You're going to play that role.
Why, you can't act your way out of a paper bag!
Oh, yeah?
You seem to be forgetting that I was playing the title role
in Cat and the Hot Tin Roof while you were still pulling
curtains, and cleaning dressing rooms in Summer Stop.
Oh, yeah? Whoa!
Wow, Guido. If you get this part,
you can become a big star.
Yeah, I guess I could.
You'd have so many fans, you'll forget all about me.
Huh? Never. Not even if I get my own show
like Al from Mr. Ed.
I'll always remember the little people who made it possible
like you, Lucille.
Gee, thanks.
Rats!
Like I said, I'll remember the little people,
even the really little people. Like you, shorty.
Yeah, that's swell,
but you're forgetting one little thing, hambone.
There's no way you're going to get that part,
'cause I'm going to get that part.
You and who's army?
Jerry Atric. Jerry Atric, our scene's beginning.
Sorry I'm late. I thought we go after the commercial.
I've got to get that part in the princess's movie.
It's obvious that becoming a movie star
is the absolute first step to gaining political power.
It is?
Yes, of course. Just look at Ronald Reagan
and Clint Eastwood.
He was mayor of Carnell, then there's that bartender
from The Love Boat. He was senator from somewhere.
I don't think it was the bartender.
It was one of the other guys. And besides,
he was a congressmen, not a senator.
Oh, details, details. Who cares what he was.
When you're as big of a Love Boatfan as I man,
these things are important.
Listen, can we possibly forget about Love Boatfor a minute?
You're missing my point, Jerry.
I'm not just out for myself here, I can see to it
that you get a big juicy part in that movie as well.
-Me, master? -Yes, you.
And the two of us will become such big movie stars
that will easily be able to take over the world.
Well, it's an interesting idea, but how do you plan to pass
the audition tomorrow?
Ah, I've got Bad Bird cooking up something.
[Bad Bird] If I have to keep cooking up things--
[coughing] [explosion]
I wish they put the kitchen indoors.
[narrator] The next morning finds the entire male population
lined up to audition.
Not since the glory days of gladiator movies
has there been such a mob of muscular masculinity.
The Big Cheese, even in disguise, doesn't quite fit in.
The auditions must first step through a pair
of midget detectors.
After all, the part being cast is a tall, mysterious stranger.
Anyone under six feet is immediately disqualified.
It's downright prejudice.
The fools, don't they know that a man's size is measured
by his heart, not his height?
It's profound.
Okay. Next.
Quick, get under his feet.
[whirring]
-Go on through? -Huh?
Lighten up. Stop wobbling around will you?
Okay. Next.
[narrator] For those of you out there who may be a little slow
and haven't figured it out yet,
let's reveal their ingenious scheme.
Go on.
Whoa. Whoa!
Hey!
Hi, how are you doing?
-Whoa! -So long, sucker!
[Violet] What a crowd. This is great publicity for my movie.
Hey, how did those two shrimps get in?
Huh? They are taller than they look Lady Vi.
I wouldn't have expected
the Big Cheese to be tall enough either.
Oh, U just love his disguise.
If I hadn't recognized him,
I'd never would have recognized him.
I don't like the looks of this. I wonder what's going to happen.
Let me give you a rough idea.
First of all, our contestants will enjoy an all-expense paid
flight to the starting line.
Then they'll race through a series of hazards
and obstacles, ending at the finish line,
which is a logical place to finish.
The winner will receive a part in the movie,
besides a Lady Samsonite,
you'll get a home version of our game.
[narrator] Thank you, professor.
And now back to our story.
The plane carrying the contestants lifts off.
But as it flies over the stadium on its way to the starting line,
it's carrying an un-ticketed passenger.
All those brave men risking their lives. And all for me.
Through the miracle of animation,
the minutes pass like seconds and we soon find
the contestants gathered at the starting line.
Ready, go!
Hi, Bad Bird.
It's nice having friends to cheer me on.
[narrator] They reached the first obstacle.
-One, two, one, two. -Gangway.
-Hey! -What's the idea?
Thanks!
Couldn't have done it without you buddy.
[yelling]
Where did everybody go?
Oh, doesn't look so bad. Piece of cake.
One, two, three.
Just like OJ Simpson in the rent a car commercial.
[yells]
Bad Bird!
Thank you.
How come I let him walk all over me like that?
[Francine] Please be patient. We're understaffed today.
Would you like to see a menu?
Sure, we have light pizza.
[man] Give me one and step on it.
I'll jump on it if you're not nice.
Oh, wait until I get my paws on Speedy and Guido.
Ditching us on the busiest day of the week.
[man] Hey, hurry it up. I'm starving here!
Okay, take it!
-Whoa! -Whoa!
I guess that pizza wasn't as light as I thought it was.
[narrator] Meanwhile Speedy and Guido
make like a couple of grunts in an army recruiting field,
only negotiating the many hazards,
while the Big Cheese, as rotten as last week's hamburger,
hangs in with a little help from his felonious
feathered friends.
Looks like the wimps are starting to fall
by the waist side.
♪ Get in ropes a job you got♪
♪ It looks easy but it's not♪
♪ You never know♪
Jump rope, huh?
Funny, I don't remember that being a part
of the obstacle course.
♪ That's because we're In disguise♪
Hey, this is a cinch. I could have done this instead of PE.
♪ One, two, three, four♪
[both] Whoa.
[Speedy] Hey, knock it off.
We're into low-impact aerobics.
The poor guys.
Alright, you can put them out of their misery.
With pleasure. Okay, Bongo. Come on out.
Bongo.
[roars]
Get them. Give them a jolt, Bongo.
Bongo!
Simply shocking.
You shouldn't have any problem winning the race now, boss.
The things I have to do to get a part in a movie.
Hey, wait a second.
[Guido] The Big Cheese and Bad Bird.
They're in on this?
Yeah, we should have known.
What was that?
I don't know, but I don't like his manners at all.
[yells]
[crashes]
[both] Huh?
-Well, color me puzzled. -Me too.
Speedy and Guido, finally.
I suppose this means you lost.
That rancid rodent's trying to rig the whole rotten
rat race, but we're not licked yet.
Francine, get ready for emergency blast off.
We're going back.
That's the spirit.
[Francine] Citizens of Little Tokyo,
please cover your ears and hang on to your hats.
It's that time on the show where I launch the three cats.
Pardon our noise if it makes you queasy,
but no one said fighting crime would be easy. Thank you.
Kaboom.
Ka-ping, Ka-powie.
[narrator] The Samurai Pizza Cats are on the move again.
There they go.
It's not fair. How come our cat can't fly like that?
Because he just can't.
How many times must you throw him out the window
before you learn?
Well, golly, Mom.
Maybe if you let me open the window.
[narrator] Meanwhile on the obstacle course the Big Cheese
races unopposed towards finish line.
Will our heroes be in time to stop him?
Does a bear belch in the woods, does Joanie love Chachi?
I'm going to be a star with my name in lights.
I'll have salads named after me.
[Guido] Not so fast, cheddar breath.
[gasps]
No, wait. Where's my stunt double?
[yells]
A flop in your first starring role.
Alright, who's the wise guy? Show yourself.
[Speedy] Not that again. We show up every episode,
and every episode you act like you're surprised to see us.
Yeah, a guy can get his feelings hurt.
But if you need an introduction,
you'll find this cat wherever dangers at.
Guido Anchovis.
Yes, Polly Esther am I,
and I'm here to kiss evil goodbye.
Speedy's my name, and fighting is my job.
Okay, I'm no poet.
[all] Pizza Cats.
Looks like we're a little short on our landing.
We're down here, he's up there.
[Bad Bird] Come and get me you rinky-dink rat catchers.
Oh, yeah? Come down here
and say that you flea bitten feather duster.
Sticks and stones may break your bones,
but thick rocks will do even more damage.
Throw a big rock on them. There you go.
[roars]
Bongo.
[all] Whoa!
That was right to them and they dropped it.
Get them another chance, Bongo.
[laughs]
Okay, that takes care of them.
Lunch break everybody.
[both] Oh, yippee. Lunch break, lunch break, lunch break.
That does it. Time to call for the cavalry.
Looks like those wussies need help again.
General Catton, the fur's flying.
-Ready! -Yes, General Catton.
Whenever the animators paint our heroes in the corner,
they send for this ferocious fur ball.
-Okay. -That's enough.
Oh, look. The general!
General, how about whittling that mountain down to size.
Stand back, everybody.
Good job. That cut it down to size.
Yeah, we sure do appreciate it general,
but I hope you don't expect a raise in pay.
Speaking of a raise, how about one?
Aw.
I'm glad the Earth stop shaking. I was getting indigestion.
What the-- I can't stop now. I've got a movie to make.
The cameras are ready to roll My public is expecting me.
Nothing like a meal of fried field mouse in the middle
of the day to make a crow feel alive.
I forgot to say grace.
You?
How did you get up here?
I thought I'd seen the last of you.
-[laughs] -What's so funny, you idiot?
Evil doers always think they've seen the last of us,
but we show up, we show up there,
we show up everywhere. You can't get rid of us.
We're like a bad penny, or a trio of obnoxious
street performers.
[all] Pizza Cats.
Good grief. Didn't we go through that all at once?
Kill them before they do it again.
[yelling]
Sorry, boss. We missed!
In fact, you missed them by at least a mile
as the crow flies.
Bongo, time to rock and roll!
Bongo!
It's clear that meaningful, rational dialogue
will never work with a bully like you.
There's only one way you'll ever get the point.
[narrator] He's about to unsheathe his self-sharpening
and magical Ginzu sword.
It slices, it dices, it minces, it sashays.
It can almost do anything but win a land war in Asia.
Speedy and Ginzu. Together they're the cat's meow.
It's that time for bongo!
I'm here, I'm ready for the big scene.
-Oh, no! -I found my light.
[explosion]
Come on, time to do our pose, guys.
[both] Ta-dah.
Say cheese!
[cheering]
-Where am I? -The winner!
Congratulations, Big Cheese.
You're the first to cross the finish line.
I came in first?
That means I won, doesn't it? That means I won.
That's right. You want the starring role.
I won, I won, I won. Yahoo, I'm going to be a movie star.
Let's see. If the weather holds, we can start shooting your big
scene in the morning.
[roaring]
You're no match for me, volcano breath.
[narrator] The Big Cheese learns that showbiz
ain't everything it's cracked up to be.
But at least one person's more than happy with his role.
I want out. I didn't think the tall, mysterious stranger
was going to be the poor man's Godzilla.
Not so hard. Who got you that part?
You did, and I appreciate it.
[Violet] Okay, you two. Really go for it.
Make me believe it. More action. Harder.
Hit him harder. Really pound him. Okay, go for his head.
There you go, much better, much better.
Cue the heat seeking missiles.
Huh? Who said anything about heat seeking missiles?
What kind of an explosion was that?
I want it bigger! Bigger!
I feel a migraine coming on.
There! Now that's an explosion.
[narrator] Several months later,
the Adventure of the Princess Pilot opens to glowing reviews.
Can I have your autograph, chief?
Sure, but it will cost you a buck.
And so, thanks to the tireless
efforts of the Samurai Pizza Cats,
movie goers around the world can thrill to yet another
pointless display of senseless violence,
and meaningless destruction.
Gee, I can get all that stuff at home.
Why would I want to pay seven bucks for it? Really.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Samurai Pizza Cat fan club oath.
The Pizza Cats are samurai,
and I'd like to note:
their antics take your breath away
like fur balls in your throat.
We kittens are a special breed.
We never call a retreat.
Whenever Big Cheese knocks us down,
we land upon our feet.
[narrator] So hail to thee, oh, Pizza Cat.
Please ring your little bell.
Although you may be pen and ink,
-we know you'll fight like-- -Pizza Cats!
♪ Samurai Pizza Cats♪
♪ We hope you liked the show,♪
♪ It's the best That we could do♪
♪ Samurai Pizza Cats♪
♪ If you could do better, Then we'd leave it up to you♪
♪ Just a reminder, You might like to know♪
♪ The cats will be back For another big show♪
Oh, gosh.
♪ Samurai Pizza Cats♪
♪ They're fighting crime Oh, yes♪
♪ All over town♪
♪ Two, four, six, eight♪
♪ Why do we expectorate?♪
♪ Samurai Pizza Cats♪
Read all the credits so you'll know who did the work.
♪ Samurai Pizza cats♪